stitchwhich (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stitchwhich) wrote2009-10-07 09:26 am
stitchwhich) wrote2009-10-07 09:26 am
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The recent re-spat of abuse posts has me thinking about chess.
Yes, that's not a typo.
I'm a singularly brillant chess player. I will lose almost every time - but you will have to fight for your win, every time. Why? Because the man who taught me how to play chess, one of my stepfathers, loved to play it - and loved to win. But not win easily. So I trained myself to not think ahead too far, to challenge my opponent but ensure that I would not actually win the game or drag it out more than an hour. It was a survival skill since Jay wore a 2" leather belt and used it to beat me if I disappointed him (lost too easily, won, or any other reason he could think up).
To this day I will have a raised level of anxiety if I try to play the game. Years ago I attempted to ease that by learning other strategy games, thinking that if I could learn to enjoy them I could perhaps learn to enjoy chess. It didn't work but I particularily enjoyed Goh, especially with Hanashi as our instructor - the sessions were relaxing, kneeling in front of the board, playing in our 'ranks', drinking tea. His praise of my ability was a balm and the very-not-American environment of the gaming classes took it out of context for my memories of abuse. I can play Goh and enjoy it very much but I've found that only with a few select men can I let myself see beyond the first few moves. Still.
I cannot play any form of Tafl. As a Viking-era reenactor, that sucks rocks but there it is - it is actually gut-wrenching to sit across the board from a guy and try to learn it. And that saddens me since there is a friend who would love to teach me the game and who probably has no idea that it is old ghosts that keep me from playing it with him. In fact, it is difficult for me to play anything requiring concentration and skill one-on-one with a man*.
It is in the little things, sometimes, that past abuse makes itself known.
---
*Oddly, that is not a problem with "Navy Battleship", which I played a lot while on late boring watches as a Radioman. But we didn't usually face each other across a table for that. And while it did require strategy, it mostly required tabulation skills. Unlike 'regular' Battleship, the Navy version had a mutually-agreed-upon grid size and fleet, and each player "shot" a salvo of 5 missiles at a time. The opponent would merely report how many hits were in each salvo - it was up to you to figure out where the hits were and concentrate your next salvo there. A fun game... if you're a pencil-geek.
Yes, that's not a typo.
I'm a singularly brillant chess player. I will lose almost every time - but you will have to fight for your win, every time. Why? Because the man who taught me how to play chess, one of my stepfathers, loved to play it - and loved to win. But not win easily. So I trained myself to not think ahead too far, to challenge my opponent but ensure that I would not actually win the game or drag it out more than an hour. It was a survival skill since Jay wore a 2" leather belt and used it to beat me if I disappointed him (lost too easily, won, or any other reason he could think up).
To this day I will have a raised level of anxiety if I try to play the game. Years ago I attempted to ease that by learning other strategy games, thinking that if I could learn to enjoy them I could perhaps learn to enjoy chess. It didn't work but I particularily enjoyed Goh, especially with Hanashi as our instructor - the sessions were relaxing, kneeling in front of the board, playing in our 'ranks', drinking tea. His praise of my ability was a balm and the very-not-American environment of the gaming classes took it out of context for my memories of abuse. I can play Goh and enjoy it very much but I've found that only with a few select men can I let myself see beyond the first few moves. Still.
I cannot play any form of Tafl. As a Viking-era reenactor, that sucks rocks but there it is - it is actually gut-wrenching to sit across the board from a guy and try to learn it. And that saddens me since there is a friend who would love to teach me the game and who probably has no idea that it is old ghosts that keep me from playing it with him. In fact, it is difficult for me to play anything requiring concentration and skill one-on-one with a man*.
It is in the little things, sometimes, that past abuse makes itself known.
---
*Oddly, that is not a problem with "Navy Battleship", which I played a lot while on late boring watches as a Radioman. But we didn't usually face each other across a table for that. And while it did require strategy, it mostly required tabulation skills. Unlike 'regular' Battleship, the Navy version had a mutually-agreed-upon grid size and fleet, and each player "shot" a salvo of 5 missiles at a time. The opponent would merely report how many hits were in each salvo - it was up to you to figure out where the hits were and concentrate your next salvo there. A fun game... if you're a pencil-geek.