stitchwhich (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stitchwhich) wrote2014-09-06 06:09 pm
stitchwhich) wrote2014-09-06 06:09 pm
Entry tags:
On Forgiveness and History
According to Wikipedia (hush, I thought their article was well-written),
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship)."
I have been thinking about 'forgiveness' and myself a great deal lately. Looking around me in a social context, there is a significant (or at least to me it seems significant) number of people who I am around often but who I would not choose to be near outside of the social event simply because at one time or another they've betrayed my trust or caused harm to me or mine. But this means that as I continue in my favorite hobby and the years travel on by, that small number of people grows a little larger. Yes, some of those people do gafiate away but others may gain a greater prominence within the group. And I've noticed myself growing - sour, shall I say - at some events watching those I once knew as friends enjoy themselves with others who are still friends, all while I hold myself aside...
So I question myself about my 'forgiving' of whatever it was that caused our break. In all but one case, I've long ago brought myself to understand and forgive their actions, as I know that everything is justified in the eyes of the actor and their views will not be the same as mine. I've tried to see things through their eyes. But yet, the hurt is still there, especially since I am well aware that they will never acknowledge, nor apologise, for their actions. History has been rewritten and that is solid in their worldviews. Yet I miss some of them. And they still seem to want to have me involved in their world. But yet again - there can be no going back to what we once had. Not for me. Because I know myself well enough to know that without reconciliation of our past, I will never trust them again.
So have I actually 'forgiven' them? If I cannot bring myself to the point of clearing the board of all negatively (and isn't "I care for you, want you to be happy in your world, but will never trust you with anything important to me' negative?), then have I actually succeeded in forgiving?
I have no real pain when I'm not near any of these people but I do feel sadness and sometimes heartache when I am around them.
The Wikipedia article goes on to say,
"As a psychological concept and virtue, the benefits of forgiveness have been explored in religious thought, the social sciences and medicine. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In most contexts, forgiveness is granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is incommunicado or dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, an apology, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe himself able to forgive."
I thought I was a loving and forgiving kind of person but I don't think I truly am.
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship)."
I have been thinking about 'forgiveness' and myself a great deal lately. Looking around me in a social context, there is a significant (or at least to me it seems significant) number of people who I am around often but who I would not choose to be near outside of the social event simply because at one time or another they've betrayed my trust or caused harm to me or mine. But this means that as I continue in my favorite hobby and the years travel on by, that small number of people grows a little larger. Yes, some of those people do gafiate away but others may gain a greater prominence within the group. And I've noticed myself growing - sour, shall I say - at some events watching those I once knew as friends enjoy themselves with others who are still friends, all while I hold myself aside...
So I question myself about my 'forgiving' of whatever it was that caused our break. In all but one case, I've long ago brought myself to understand and forgive their actions, as I know that everything is justified in the eyes of the actor and their views will not be the same as mine. I've tried to see things through their eyes. But yet, the hurt is still there, especially since I am well aware that they will never acknowledge, nor apologise, for their actions. History has been rewritten and that is solid in their worldviews. Yet I miss some of them. And they still seem to want to have me involved in their world. But yet again - there can be no going back to what we once had. Not for me. Because I know myself well enough to know that without reconciliation of our past, I will never trust them again.
So have I actually 'forgiven' them? If I cannot bring myself to the point of clearing the board of all negatively (and isn't "I care for you, want you to be happy in your world, but will never trust you with anything important to me' negative?), then have I actually succeeded in forgiving?
I have no real pain when I'm not near any of these people but I do feel sadness and sometimes heartache when I am around them.
The Wikipedia article goes on to say,
"As a psychological concept and virtue, the benefits of forgiveness have been explored in religious thought, the social sciences and medicine. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In most contexts, forgiveness is granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is incommunicado or dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, an apology, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe himself able to forgive."
I thought I was a loving and forgiving kind of person but I don't think I truly am.