stitchwhich (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stitchwhich) wrote2015-10-28 12:45 am
stitchwhich) wrote2015-10-28 12:45 am
Entry tags:
False Compliments
...I hate them. And by that I mean when someone says 'the gallant thing' to me, thinking to please me, what I get from that is "you are either blind or a liar".
I am not young. That's a good thing - I long ago did the die-on-the-table thing (twice) and every breath since then has been a triumph over death. My age is no secret, nor is it something to be ashamed of - that is one of the weirdest concepts I've run across I sometimes think. I turn 59 at the end of November. I like my birthday - I bless each year I've lived since the last one and want to celebrate being with, and caring for, my family and friends. The number of years is rather immaterial. And the date kinda irks me since the US changed Thanksgiving from "last Thursday of the month" to "fourth Thursday" because now I never get to have my birthday on Turkey day.
I am about 120-150 pounds overweight. That means I have a big roly-poly body and I'm old enough to have those women's hanging skin flaps on my upper arms. I am taller than most of the men I know and often feel behemoth beside them. I wear trifocals that make my eyes look strangely enlarged and also smaller, all at the same time. I never wear makeup. I do not dye my hair. The grey is just starting to come in and I am rather excited about that, thankyewverymuch. Raising my sons - I earned that grey years ago and it is overdue. (You raise a fire juggler/sword swallower or a kid with no awareness of mortality and see if you don't deserve a few lines & grey hairs!) Standard jewelry is currently my wedding band and will someday, when I'm close enough to a decent weight, be expanded to re-include my Wiccan dedication ring after I can get it cut down and repaired. Earring holes closed up many surgeries ago - which procedures also mean that my body, which only one person is ever allowed to see nekkid, is covered in scars front and back. Even at the knees, thanks to an angry young man with a strong throwing arm and a few sharp rocks. The most attractive feature I can claim are my eyes - I got my maternal Grandfather's "Black Welsh" eyes and when I'm happy they sparkle. Or so I'm told.
So - "you are always young and beautiful" just ticks me off. As compliments go, I know it is a standard line for 'any woman', but honestly, if a person actually wanted to make me feel good about my physical self one day/time, "That color of shirt (gown, dress) really brings out the glow of your skin/the color of your eyes" would be a good one. Or "I notice that since your weight loss has started, you are moving with more of your old grace - it is lovely to see." would be a nice one too. But best of all are the ones along the lines of, "you make me feel happy because ____ ." Those work every time. Trotting out the same ole-same ole compliment one would give their grandmother just leaves me cold and a little enraged. I have a mirror. I know what I look like. I strive for "neat and clean" and hope that I mostly greet people with a smile. That, my friends, is what is attractive - one's joy at seeing someone else. One's physical envelope? Eh.
"Always young" "never aging" "so attractive" and worst of all, "sexy" - those will reduce my esteem for the speaker by a wide margin*.
*Exceptions are given for Thems Who Have Been Long-time Flirts. They (you) know who you are.
I am not young. That's a good thing - I long ago did the die-on-the-table thing (twice) and every breath since then has been a triumph over death. My age is no secret, nor is it something to be ashamed of - that is one of the weirdest concepts I've run across I sometimes think. I turn 59 at the end of November. I like my birthday - I bless each year I've lived since the last one and want to celebrate being with, and caring for, my family and friends. The number of years is rather immaterial. And the date kinda irks me since the US changed Thanksgiving from "last Thursday of the month" to "fourth Thursday" because now I never get to have my birthday on Turkey day.
I am about 120-150 pounds overweight. That means I have a big roly-poly body and I'm old enough to have those women's hanging skin flaps on my upper arms. I am taller than most of the men I know and often feel behemoth beside them. I wear trifocals that make my eyes look strangely enlarged and also smaller, all at the same time. I never wear makeup. I do not dye my hair. The grey is just starting to come in and I am rather excited about that, thankyewverymuch. Raising my sons - I earned that grey years ago and it is overdue. (You raise a fire juggler/sword swallower or a kid with no awareness of mortality and see if you don't deserve a few lines & grey hairs!) Standard jewelry is currently my wedding band and will someday, when I'm close enough to a decent weight, be expanded to re-include my Wiccan dedication ring after I can get it cut down and repaired. Earring holes closed up many surgeries ago - which procedures also mean that my body, which only one person is ever allowed to see nekkid, is covered in scars front and back. Even at the knees, thanks to an angry young man with a strong throwing arm and a few sharp rocks. The most attractive feature I can claim are my eyes - I got my maternal Grandfather's "Black Welsh" eyes and when I'm happy they sparkle. Or so I'm told.
So - "you are always young and beautiful" just ticks me off. As compliments go, I know it is a standard line for 'any woman', but honestly, if a person actually wanted to make me feel good about my physical self one day/time, "That color of shirt (gown, dress) really brings out the glow of your skin/the color of your eyes" would be a good one. Or "I notice that since your weight loss has started, you are moving with more of your old grace - it is lovely to see." would be a nice one too. But best of all are the ones along the lines of, "you make me feel happy because ____ ." Those work every time. Trotting out the same ole-same ole compliment one would give their grandmother just leaves me cold and a little enraged. I have a mirror. I know what I look like. I strive for "neat and clean" and hope that I mostly greet people with a smile. That, my friends, is what is attractive - one's joy at seeing someone else. One's physical envelope? Eh.
"Always young" "never aging" "so attractive" and worst of all, "sexy" - those will reduce my esteem for the speaker by a wide margin*.
*Exceptions are given for Thems Who Have Been Long-time Flirts. They (you) know who you are.