stitchwhich (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stitchwhich) wrote2016-06-22 10:47 am
stitchwhich) wrote2016-06-22 10:47 am
Entry tags:
Raze it to the earth
I have been upending my life. Sort of. It finally came to me in a moment of clarity that I was suffering from a deep burnout with the SCA. Not with 'living history' or my love of what we study, but with the society, or the various personalities, of those I interact with and what they expect of me. And like many volunteers, I'd overloaded myself with jobs and long-term projects to the point that I was not doing anything I enjoyed but merely what duty dictated.
I was angry and resentful towards my friends who were not knocking themselves out on a local level to 'make things go'. Lividly angry, in a couple of cases - and unfairly. Haven't we always preached "Do what makes you happy; if it isn't making you feel happy or fulfilled, stop it!"? But yet I'd ignored that directive in my own case to give in to 'duty'.
One of the odd things about being created a Peer in the SCA is that we have a almost uniformly-accepted mandate to 'continue to work to improve the Society'. We are openly scornful of those who step aside to see to their own pleasure as that is something acceptable in non-Peers but is shameful in us.
I fell into that trap.
Heck, I was so overwhelmed with jobs waiting to be done that when I wasn't sick, sleeping, or doing housework, I was stressing over what I 'should be' doing. I haven't even built my newest Lego buildings - which if anyone knows me, is downright weird.
So I took a deep breath, recentered myself, and resigned. Sent notes to my barony and Heraldic & Chatelaine superiors that I was resigning from various jobs, that I would not be taking on new ones, and was stepping aside to recharge my SCA batteries and recover from burnout. (I am still the drop-dead deputy for our Kingdom Herald but since that only really involves a few email discussions every few months, it was nothing that needed stepping away from. I'd like to keep my hand in a bit.) However, and this is just for my own edification later on when I start to thinking that I can return to volunteering,
- I am not going to be on staff for Pennsic next year. This will be the first time in 26 years that I have said that. I did intend to take a break at Pennsic 26 but instead ended up agreeing to run (create) a last-minute Pages' School when we found out once we got there that the autocrats hadn't bothered to find staff for one.) I will continue as a Deputy Mayor this year as it'd be cruel and stupid to walk away from that this late in the game. And I do enjoy the job, especially knowing that because of this year my 'track record' will likely preclude me ever having it again. I haven't been doing the job as well as I should be and it was my own 'daily hiding from messages in the DM file' that finally clued me in that something was wrong with me. Because normally I'd be all over those.
- I resigned as Kingdom Heraldic Archivist and will be turning the paper files of all of the submissions over to someone else who is willing to do the scanning and labeling necessary to convert to electronic files. I've been dead-in-the-water on the project for a year. Longer than that. And, well, I am not the submission herald for our kingdom, haven't been for a couple of years (almost) and I want my library back. Our house is crammed with SCA stuff that doesn't belong to us.
- I resigned from being the deputy Chatelaine for Gold Key for our barony.
- - - And by extension, I will no longer be the last-minute on-demand "newcomer's night" class instructor for the group either. The actual Chatelaine is just going to have to step up and take care of that. As she should have been doing in the first place.
- - - The huge pile of fabrics destined to become replacement Gold Key items may, or may not, leave our home. There are factors involved in this; it is entirely too easy for new fabrics to just 'disappear' in the homes of those who'd be willing to take them, as that has happened far too often than I want to believe. And our Gold Key needs new clothing in it because that is what happened during the time of the last two chatelaines - all the good stuff is gone. At the same time, I dislike having the untidy mess here and being aware of the project hanging over my head every time I enter the craft room. So that is sort of in the air right now. I am hoping that after Pennsic I will be inspired to get some of that converted into clothing which can be turned over to the new (we have a new!) deputy for Gold Key.
- I am no longer regularly attending our weekly meetings, as that is where I end up getting dragooned into teaching one or two classes each month as well as agreeing to 'take care of' some project that 'needs doing' which no one else is willing to volunteer to take on. Usually many projects. Along with every single person who wishes to make new garb but doesn't know how to sew, or how to 'sew that', or to draft a pattern, or even use a commercially-produced one. I am, as they say, creating a vacuum. There are other people in our group who know how to sew and a capable of helping out our members.
- I will help my protégées with making their garb but on my own schedule, which will mean that each sewing day will be limited to not more often than once a week and for no longer than five hours each session. Because they are nearly over the top stressful for me. There are some skills which cannot be taught, certainly those sought by people who don't really want to learn them. And I am weary to death of repeating the same instructions over and over and over again only to have them make no impression whatsoever so I can 'teach' them all over again the next time we 'get together to sew our garb' after fixing the problems that came from them not learning the first (second, third) time we went over that. I, for the record, have garb that must be made before Pennsic and have not been able to start working on it yet. And that is what I'm going to try to do, assuming I start feeling better about approaching it.
- I am not doing research for anyone on demand any longer. No matter how helpless or needy they present themselves. I will post a link to online sources in response to a request, or offer key words for google searching, but baby-bird feeding of information is over. Folks are going to have to learn to do what I and so many early members have done - their own research. And to help each other with that research by way or suggestions and support. I'd like to actually do some research on my own, about subjects I am interested in. I'm hoping I will be able to once my burnout has faded enough that those subjects seem interesting again rather than being vague memories of what I was once excited about studying. It is not a good sign when the opportunity to 'learn about something' makes me tired before I even approach it.
- No volunteering to Autocrat events.
- No more fundraising. And the lumpia still in my freezer can be sold at an upcoming event (I've been told folks have been talking about it) if first, someone actually asks me if I'd mind them doing so - since that food does belong to ME in the first place - and if anyone but me and my husband are responsible for making all the arrangements and carrying them out. I will be available to open the door and help them cart the lumpia to their car, but that is it. Right now I am resenting that I'm hearing about people making plans for it with the attitude that since I made it to sell as a private fundraiser for the barony's new chairs, it somehow belongs to the barony and various folks have the right to determine what will be done with it.
Burnt.
Out.
It is my hope that in a few months I will re-read this and exclaim in wonder about how grumpy and sour I sound, and be thankful that I don't feel like that any longer. I need to get my mojo back.
I was angry and resentful towards my friends who were not knocking themselves out on a local level to 'make things go'. Lividly angry, in a couple of cases - and unfairly. Haven't we always preached "Do what makes you happy; if it isn't making you feel happy or fulfilled, stop it!"? But yet I'd ignored that directive in my own case to give in to 'duty'.
One of the odd things about being created a Peer in the SCA is that we have a almost uniformly-accepted mandate to 'continue to work to improve the Society'. We are openly scornful of those who step aside to see to their own pleasure as that is something acceptable in non-Peers but is shameful in us.
I fell into that trap.
Heck, I was so overwhelmed with jobs waiting to be done that when I wasn't sick, sleeping, or doing housework, I was stressing over what I 'should be' doing. I haven't even built my newest Lego buildings - which if anyone knows me, is downright weird.
So I took a deep breath, recentered myself, and resigned. Sent notes to my barony and Heraldic & Chatelaine superiors that I was resigning from various jobs, that I would not be taking on new ones, and was stepping aside to recharge my SCA batteries and recover from burnout. (I am still the drop-dead deputy for our Kingdom Herald but since that only really involves a few email discussions every few months, it was nothing that needed stepping away from. I'd like to keep my hand in a bit.) However, and this is just for my own edification later on when I start to thinking that I can return to volunteering,
- I am not going to be on staff for Pennsic next year. This will be the first time in 26 years that I have said that. I did intend to take a break at Pennsic 26 but instead ended up agreeing to run (create) a last-minute Pages' School when we found out once we got there that the autocrats hadn't bothered to find staff for one.) I will continue as a Deputy Mayor this year as it'd be cruel and stupid to walk away from that this late in the game. And I do enjoy the job, especially knowing that because of this year my 'track record' will likely preclude me ever having it again. I haven't been doing the job as well as I should be and it was my own 'daily hiding from messages in the DM file' that finally clued me in that something was wrong with me. Because normally I'd be all over those.
- I resigned as Kingdom Heraldic Archivist and will be turning the paper files of all of the submissions over to someone else who is willing to do the scanning and labeling necessary to convert to electronic files. I've been dead-in-the-water on the project for a year. Longer than that. And, well, I am not the submission herald for our kingdom, haven't been for a couple of years (almost) and I want my library back. Our house is crammed with SCA stuff that doesn't belong to us.
- I resigned from being the deputy Chatelaine for Gold Key for our barony.
- - - And by extension, I will no longer be the last-minute on-demand "newcomer's night" class instructor for the group either. The actual Chatelaine is just going to have to step up and take care of that. As she should have been doing in the first place.
- - - The huge pile of fabrics destined to become replacement Gold Key items may, or may not, leave our home. There are factors involved in this; it is entirely too easy for new fabrics to just 'disappear' in the homes of those who'd be willing to take them, as that has happened far too often than I want to believe. And our Gold Key needs new clothing in it because that is what happened during the time of the last two chatelaines - all the good stuff is gone. At the same time, I dislike having the untidy mess here and being aware of the project hanging over my head every time I enter the craft room. So that is sort of in the air right now. I am hoping that after Pennsic I will be inspired to get some of that converted into clothing which can be turned over to the new (we have a new!) deputy for Gold Key.
- I am no longer regularly attending our weekly meetings, as that is where I end up getting dragooned into teaching one or two classes each month as well as agreeing to 'take care of' some project that 'needs doing' which no one else is willing to volunteer to take on. Usually many projects. Along with every single person who wishes to make new garb but doesn't know how to sew, or how to 'sew that', or to draft a pattern, or even use a commercially-produced one. I am, as they say, creating a vacuum. There are other people in our group who know how to sew and a capable of helping out our members.
- I will help my protégées with making their garb but on my own schedule, which will mean that each sewing day will be limited to not more often than once a week and for no longer than five hours each session. Because they are nearly over the top stressful for me. There are some skills which cannot be taught, certainly those sought by people who don't really want to learn them. And I am weary to death of repeating the same instructions over and over and over again only to have them make no impression whatsoever so I can 'teach' them all over again the next time we 'get together to sew our garb' after fixing the problems that came from them not learning the first (second, third) time we went over that. I, for the record, have garb that must be made before Pennsic and have not been able to start working on it yet. And that is what I'm going to try to do, assuming I start feeling better about approaching it.
- I am not doing research for anyone on demand any longer. No matter how helpless or needy they present themselves. I will post a link to online sources in response to a request, or offer key words for google searching, but baby-bird feeding of information is over. Folks are going to have to learn to do what I and so many early members have done - their own research. And to help each other with that research by way or suggestions and support. I'd like to actually do some research on my own, about subjects I am interested in. I'm hoping I will be able to once my burnout has faded enough that those subjects seem interesting again rather than being vague memories of what I was once excited about studying. It is not a good sign when the opportunity to 'learn about something' makes me tired before I even approach it.
- No volunteering to Autocrat events.
- No more fundraising. And the lumpia still in my freezer can be sold at an upcoming event (I've been told folks have been talking about it) if first, someone actually asks me if I'd mind them doing so - since that food does belong to ME in the first place - and if anyone but me and my husband are responsible for making all the arrangements and carrying them out. I will be available to open the door and help them cart the lumpia to their car, but that is it. Right now I am resenting that I'm hearing about people making plans for it with the attitude that since I made it to sell as a private fundraiser for the barony's new chairs, it somehow belongs to the barony and various folks have the right to determine what will be done with it.
Burnt.
Out.
It is my hope that in a few months I will re-read this and exclaim in wonder about how grumpy and sour I sound, and be thankful that I don't feel like that any longer. I need to get my mojo back.