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stitchwhichSo I'm back on restricted carbs (voluntarily, I add) and already I've noticed an increase in energy and 'good mood' throughout my day. I do love that side effect. It makes up for missing milk shakes and hash browns. :)
Had a check-up yesterday whereby my Doctor upheld my decision to stop taking high blood pressure medicine (I was 'borderline' when he talked me into them). BP is back down to normal levels as I have suspected for a while. I'd been meaning to get in to have that check-up for a few months - those little 'check your BP' stations at the gym aren't bad but they can only be trusted so far. I like being my age and only taking an iron supplement as a daily pill. :)
And my biggest pair of jeans are falling off of my hips. LIterally. I think I like that even if they are my newest pair. I'm wearing them today in a farewell gesture of good will. Assuming I can stand to go the whole day hitching them up every time I walk, that is. I think I'll keep them in my closet to try on every once in a while, just for fun.
I miss my lover. Watching other folks just lately (and you know who you are, smug ones!) has made me a bit wistful... being flirted with at a store yesterday brought it home. See, for the most part I'm okay with being fat and plain. After all, I lived my early years thin and beautiful and, frankly, I hated it. Hated the cat-calls, the 'stupid bimbo' treatment, the competitive nasty behavior of other girls/women, the way men turned into selfish/stupid hormone-hills around me. I still hate beauty pageants and 'debutante' anythings. So I chucked all that out the window after Arn and I stopped being intimate and I was just fine with crafting myself into something that was not considered desireable. It made for not being noticeable and I appreciated the quietness of my life.
But the SCA turned that on it's head - my safety zone wasn't one. Fat women aren't unattractive to a large (bad pun!) body of menfolk and I'm still not used to that. Even after the fun effects of many years of playing and the sweetness of loving. Then I got kinda used to it but thought of it as 'only in the SCA' and after my last break-up followed by the back surgery, I was good with that. But last night some very nice gentleman at Barnes and Noble's, who is definitely not in the SCA, asked me for my phone number. And it was obvious he was seeing me, not "your fade-into-the-scenery average fat middle-aged housewife". It may sound weird but that shook me a bit. I'm too used to my safety zone. I blushed, gave a couple of sallies back, then fled.
Heck, even in the SCA I'm so used to being a background person that I can't tell when someone is flirting with me unless they use a hammer first... in my life, I've learned that it's better to default to "they're just being polite" than to think that they are really interested. (Of course, once the hammer drops, flirting is really fun...with or without any follow-up.)
I've strayed. I just, well, miss someone I won't see for a very long time. And I realised that I have truly turned into a nun-type person, somehow, over time, while my heart was healing from a devastating breakup and my 'safe-players' aren't around to shake me out of it. I kinda want to crack that shell. He knows how to do that but he's far away and my other lovers have all drifted into the past or have evolved into other relationships. What if, when I see him again, I've forgotten how? Or rather, I wonder if there will be any others besides him, ever again?
I know, I know. "Want some cheese to go with that wine?" In a few hours, or less, I'll be back in my normal headspace and this will all seem too, too silly. :)
Had a check-up yesterday whereby my Doctor upheld my decision to stop taking high blood pressure medicine (I was 'borderline' when he talked me into them). BP is back down to normal levels as I have suspected for a while. I'd been meaning to get in to have that check-up for a few months - those little 'check your BP' stations at the gym aren't bad but they can only be trusted so far. I like being my age and only taking an iron supplement as a daily pill. :)
And my biggest pair of jeans are falling off of my hips. LIterally. I think I like that even if they are my newest pair. I'm wearing them today in a farewell gesture of good will. Assuming I can stand to go the whole day hitching them up every time I walk, that is. I think I'll keep them in my closet to try on every once in a while, just for fun.
I miss my lover. Watching other folks just lately (and you know who you are, smug ones!) has made me a bit wistful... being flirted with at a store yesterday brought it home. See, for the most part I'm okay with being fat and plain. After all, I lived my early years thin and beautiful and, frankly, I hated it. Hated the cat-calls, the 'stupid bimbo' treatment, the competitive nasty behavior of other girls/women, the way men turned into selfish/stupid hormone-hills around me. I still hate beauty pageants and 'debutante' anythings. So I chucked all that out the window after Arn and I stopped being intimate and I was just fine with crafting myself into something that was not considered desireable. It made for not being noticeable and I appreciated the quietness of my life.
But the SCA turned that on it's head - my safety zone wasn't one. Fat women aren't unattractive to a large (bad pun!) body of menfolk and I'm still not used to that. Even after the fun effects of many years of playing and the sweetness of loving. Then I got kinda used to it but thought of it as 'only in the SCA' and after my last break-up followed by the back surgery, I was good with that. But last night some very nice gentleman at Barnes and Noble's, who is definitely not in the SCA, asked me for my phone number. And it was obvious he was seeing me, not "your fade-into-the-scenery average fat middle-aged housewife". It may sound weird but that shook me a bit. I'm too used to my safety zone. I blushed, gave a couple of sallies back, then fled.
Heck, even in the SCA I'm so used to being a background person that I can't tell when someone is flirting with me unless they use a hammer first... in my life, I've learned that it's better to default to "they're just being polite" than to think that they are really interested. (Of course, once the hammer drops, flirting is really fun...with or without any follow-up.)
I've strayed. I just, well, miss someone I won't see for a very long time. And I realised that I have truly turned into a nun-type person, somehow, over time, while my heart was healing from a devastating breakup and my 'safe-players' aren't around to shake me out of it. I kinda want to crack that shell. He knows how to do that but he's far away and my other lovers have all drifted into the past or have evolved into other relationships. What if, when I see him again, I've forgotten how? Or rather, I wonder if there will be any others besides him, ever again?
I know, I know. "Want some cheese to go with that wine?" In a few hours, or less, I'll be back in my normal headspace and this will all seem too, too silly. :)
