Thoughts

We finally got out holiday tree and wreath up. I like the door wreath. I designed it many years ago but it still looks fresh and welcoming so I haven't been inspired to change out the decorations on it. It's simple, just red ribbons and a string of red wooden beads wrapped around the wreath with three largish gold stars hanging off of it and a few bells descending from ribbons at the bottom. I'll probably get tired of it before we change locales. Maybe.

The tree is an artificial one, six feet tall. We don't like killing a live tree just for our decorating purposes, even when they are farmed specifically for that purpose. It's currently bare of everything but multicolored lights (those came already installed on the tree). Tomorrow will be decorating day. I bought five new ornaments for it this year, four of which are from Lego company. The fifth is a delicate little bronze colored glass bird holding on to a small tree branch. I like it and hope it will be something one of our sons will want to keep when we are gone.

I'm typing this on my new computer's keyboard. I love this keyboard! It is so much smaller than the one on my laptop and it is close to the edge of the desk so my wrists aren't stretched across a wide case in order to reach the keys. And it is ridiculously thin. No wrist support is needed since it is so close to the level of the desk's top. I watched a bit of a movie online so now I have an idea of what the sound system is like. I'll have to turn the thing around to find where I can plug in my headset for when I don't want to disturb the rest of the house.

You may have read part of this (below) on Facebook. I'm mostly posting it here to have a record of it for myself.

I scared myself last night. Woke up after being asleep for a couple of hours and felt like I wanted to eat something. This isn't unusual for me. I often crave a snack in the middle of the night, especially if I can't get back to sleep. Eating seems to make me sleepy so it is a habit. But I laid there reminding myself that midnight munching is a bad, bad habit, and I shouldn't give in just because the idea seems appealing. I should roll over and try to go back to sleep. While thinking that I started to feel a little weird, kinda weak & trembly. I thought "I just ate a while ago. Beef hot dogs. Protein. What the heck?" So I decided to get up and go into the kitchen where my glucose meter is stored to use it and show myself that I didn't really need anything. In the twenty seconds or so that it took for that walk, I began to tremble in earnest, shaking so badly that I had trouble staying upright or controlling my hand motion enough to turn on the kitchen light and then use the glucometer. My blood glucose level was 43. It has been that low before. In fact, it had been that low just the night before. This time, though, I was sure I was going to shake myself out of the chair I'd collapsed onto, I was so weak and the shaking so strong. I couldn't keep myself upright and so laid my chest across the table as far as I could. Weeping, shaking, confused... it felt as if my backbone was knocking against the table's edge. I couldn't stop the tears from coursing down my face. I couldn't think. I yelled for my husband but wasn't able to form his name, just sort of loudly gurgled it. Screamed it as best I could.

By the time he woke up and made it into the kitchen I'd lost the ability to form words even in my thoughts. He was asking me what was wrong, and I couldn't answer. I couldn't really even think but knew I needed to respond if he was going to be able to help me. I finally thought of my logbook & pounded on the new entry showing the glucose level. He saw out that my sugar level was low but wasn't sure what to do, which panicked me even more, and at last I remembered we had orange juice in the fridge. I was able to make noises that sounded enough like "orange juice" that he figured it out and poured a glass for me, so I drank that with both hands holding the glass while he steadied the bottom of it so I could get it to my mouth. I had trouble realising that I needed to tilt my head back in order to get the liquid in my mouth. It helped enough that I could articulate a bit and told him I had raisins by the bed, which he fetched (thank goodness for lunch pack boxes!). I ate an ounce of raisins, then one of cheddar cheese, and finally started to calm down and find my brain again. Finally the violent shaking subsided into trembling and then a mild tremor. After a while I felt strong enough to walk back to bed and safe enough to be able to try to sleep. I'd taken in 76g of carbohydrates, almost half of what I should have in a single day, so my mind said it had to be enough to ensure that I wouldn't have a problem with low readings again until morning. Throughout today I've binged carbs. I should not - it isn't the best way to handle this - but the drive to guarantee that I won't lose consciousness is overwhelming.

Adjusting one's levels of insulin is a balancing act and times like these will happen now that I am using injected insulin, but what was so frightening was how fast it went down. One minute I was thinking I felt a little "off" like one might expect to after taking pain drugs (I had taken hydrocodone for my toothache) and almost the next minute I had lost control of my body and my functioning mind. I had always thought a drop in glucose levels would be a somewhat gradual thing over a period of time; ten or fifteen minutes, maybe longer. Having it happen within seconds was terrifying. What if I had been driving? A friend who is a Paramedic and healthcare navigator for her remote rural community pm'd me today and explained it this way, "You describe textbook symptoms of critical hypoglycemia. Your brain was literally starving. One of the reasons your status changed so quickly is because you had to get up and go to the kitchen. Walking, thinking, breathing require you to burn up the glucose in your system for energy to do those things and you depleted what was available when you left your bed." I appreciated her explanation. Nothing about situations like that was said to me in my diabetic care classes or by the endocrinologist.

I'm taking steps on my own to try to forgo a revisiting of this. I am reducing the amount of long-term insulin I use each night, at least until my endocrinologist replies to the message I sent him. Thank goodness for our healthcare system which allows me to contact the doctors in the system via direct message. And I am going to order the (probably sickly sweet) glucose pack called "Transend", which will deliver 15g of glucose almost instantaneously. And later today when offices are open I will contact the Dexcom (a glucose meter you wear on your body) dealer who has my prescription and see if they can fill it once I give them my Medicare information. They could not when I was on the military's Tricare insurance, which is why I had to go fetch my glucometer. So hopefully that will get straightened out and I will have instant readings... had I had that, I would not have left my bed but would have reached for the raisins instead.

Bossman gave me a new mouse, mousepad, and a cool "ergobeans" wrist support. My goodness, the comfort. And that darned mouse makes the arrow fly across the screen. I am currently using the touchpad to navigate with in order to make this entry bcause I'll have to play some solitaire games using the new mouse so I can grow accustomed to it. It has thumb-buttons, too, which I shall have to go online to read about and decide if I want to download their program and activate them. I've been using a tiny 'travel' mouse for the last two years and this feels like heaven.

New socks (they're very cute. And one pair is knee-length merino, which I'm going to bless during our winter events) and new slippers... and a big gift certificate for Barnes & Noble to make my Nook explode. Followed by two more certificates from Youngest Son and Opi. Oh, oh, oh - my fiction world is going to be incredibly full.

I am feeling very, very rich right now.

Our pot roast dinner came out perfectly - no knife was needed to cut the meat. We ate until the bursting point, pretty much, then sat around the table packaging everything up into "keep" and "send with them" sets. Our youngest and his room-mate went home with a goodly haul of food. Even though one tried to steal the largest pot roast and leave the second one's leftovers for us. Of course, he was grinning as he oh-so-carefully tried to slide it into the empty cake container he was taking home. He didn't have a chance in heck - Bossman was arguing with me about sending any roast anywhere but into our fridge! So I guess I can count that meal a success.

Next year, I'm going to suggest "breakfast for Christmas". Outside of purchasing the supplies, all I'd have to do is make toast. Bossman is in charge of family breakfasts.

I want to post about what is going on with me, or rather 'the most immediate thing that is going on in my world', but it is actually too private to be throwing out here into the aether. Suffice it to say that I am now enrolled in a weekly support group, to help me sort out issues which will decide the direction of my future life.

Yeah, vaguebooking, I know. I'm sorry. One of the things I brought home with me tonight was a sharp awareness that I have absolutely no one to talk to about what I am going through. Possibly I could talk with one of our sons but it seems very wrong to ask one's child to be one's comforter.

Speaking of 'one's child' - our Eldest and his sweetie flew out from Las Vegas a week before Thanksgiving. We had some family laughter around the table (first stop - all the eateries that have been missed) and then drove up to the DC area to attend an event (Holiday Faire, where I 'merchanted') and visit with a few young people who'd grown up in the SCA with our children. That was fun but rushed - except for Sunday afternoon, which Bossman and I spent in a Fairfax Barnes and Noble while the 'kids' went sight-seeing. We'd stayed in a hotel near the event site but the younger set overnighted in the townhouse now owned by one of them. So we were 45 minutes away and in a poor position to try to time it to join them for the sightseeing. The elderly (sic) slept in, had a leisurely brunch, and then settled in at B&N. Which was having a kid's event and was absolutely packed. So packed, in fact, that I ended up sitting in our truck for the last hour, napping and reading. It was so much more peaceful there!

The rest of the week was spent shopping, helping our Vegasites gather supplies for her family's Christmas celebration. There is no "5 & Below" in Las Vegas, with its bargain prices for handy gifts. We visited three different ones here, taking in all the variety to ensure that they had all their list provided for. As it was, they ended up having to pay shipping costs for a large package via UPS, and for extra luggage when they left - and yet they were gleeful about the amount of money they'd saved. Or more truthfully, gleeful that the same amount they'd set aside paid for things of better quality than they'd hoped for, even after the additional shipping fees.

And I taught her how to sew. They flew out on her birthday, with her knowing that our Eldest was going to give her a sewing machine when they got home. He wisely gave her an "IOU" so she could choose which model she wanted. Me, I gave her "The Idiot's Guide to Sewing".

Oh - and the PET scan my husband had has been interpreted by the radiologist. We haven't seen the oncologist to hear it officially, but the scan showed no evidence of surviving cancer cells. He still has a huge mass of scar tissue where the tumor once was, which will most likely not be re-absorbed into his body, and the four ribs are going to stay divided into parts, which blows for ease of movement along his left side, but still - the cancer is dead.

During Family Time we discovered that using either "Winter chai" tea or "Cinnamon tea" greatly enhances the flavor of the not-so-good instant chai in my cupboard. I had it in stock thanks to an autumnal camping season (because "hot and not coffee" is sometimes more important than "my god, it isn't 'Oregon Chai' - ugh!".) I recognize that chai = tea but I'm going with the American-ignorant names used on the products. Anyway, brewing the spiced teas and then using the instant mix for creaming & sugar worked well and was wonderfully welcome during our snowed-in period.I, on the other hand, drank hot cider. :)

During that period, we (the younger set and I) made Lego buildings. Yes, yes we did. After we tore down all of my "Winter Village" sets, which I neglected to photograph while they were up. Oops. We were crazy, I think, but we actually managed to build all of the 'city' sets that I owned, with the added bonus of the arrival of the newest one coming just after the snow began to melt. Then we made a 'town', even going so far as to buy fabric for a base and a backdrop. Photos were taken and my Eldest actually made a video-tour of the 'city block' that we constructed. I have no idea how he's going to get that long video from his phone to a computer, but it looks great. As a tease, here is the single (blurry) photo I took of our set-up while we were still tweaking it. I stopped trying to photograph anything once Zack & Mylissa got their phones out and went camera-crazy. They've promised to post the results and I'll share their better pictures when I get them. (They'd better hurry, too, because I am itching to see those photos!)

The week has been... busy and yet not. Being stuck with a double ear/sinus infection means that there are brief periods of energy and intelligence which are marked by a flurry of activity as I try to get as much done as possible before the 'bleh' strikes again. Once the lassitude strikes there are long hours of either playing silly (and very easy) card games on the computer or else muffled snoring coming from the region of my pillow. Those are the l-o-n-g hours of the day. And night.

A trip to an ENT confirmed profound (temporary) hearing loss. The chart shows a lack of movement pretty much in either eardrum so all I perceive are high squeaky sounds. Some of which are painful. Poor Bossman got a dose of "stop that, stop that NOW" when he went through an evening of absentmindedly whistling while we were playing cards. I have new medicines and it was confirmed that everything I was already doing was what he would be suggesting anyway. Next comes tubes in the ears if they don't clear within four weeks.

Thanksgiving dinner was cooked and served later than our previous norm. I think the timing threw me off - the turkey was not as moist as it normally would be and it was not done, either, at the time we were sitting down. Back into the oven it went and we ate all the side dishes. Which filled us up so much that the turkey became instant sandwich fixings instead. We had pumpkin roll for a late dessert. I couldn't hear the timer that was at my elbow that morning and so the pumpkin pie was burnt to a puffy-topped cinder. It'd been in the oven 30 minutes longer than it should have been, which made me cry like a weakling.

I am still craving a pumpkin pie.

We followed up dinner with card playing. Then our youngest and his roommate left for their place and Bossman and I settled in front of the TV, revelling in the silence. The roomie is one of those people who talks non-stop, mostly stream-of-conscious stuff, with frequently mid-conversation-style comments from a discussion he must be having in his own head. It becomes somewhat stressful after a couple of hours of attempting to interpret what he is referring to or even trying to describe. I'm sure he believes his rhetoric is witty and "deep" but I'd describe it as convoluted and murky.

Friday-my-Birthday (dubbed "Black Birthday" by a friend on Facebook) dawn cold and grey. Very cold. Breakfast was leftover fruit salad. Yum. I make it only twice a year so we go nuts with it while it is available. Salads made with cottage cheese, whipped cream, and tropical fruit ingredients tend to have short shelf lives. The afternoon featured another round of cards - three different games - with a new set of players and later the roomie again. His chatter was in direct competition with Protégée Two's, who had worked nearly 24 hours of 48 at Best Buy and was bursting with stories about the people she dealt with. The evening ended around 2:30am, one of the longest we've had in quite a while. Afterwards I stayed up, afraid I'd not hear my alarm clock, and made the 6:00 online "door buster" sale of a shirt Bossman had been lusting over... $15 for something normally $49. I like that. :)

We were suffering cabin fever by the time we woke up today as it'd been three days without leaving the house so we carefully ventured to Barnes and Noble. It wasn't too bad at all. Best of all, Bossman let it be known how he'd been really tempted, nay, sorely tempted, by the Nook HD, "especially as it is on sale right now" so while a chance meeting with Rabah (Ross Wilkins) and his wife distracted him (they were in on my little plan since I bumped into them first) I was able to slide over to the cashier and buy that Nook for him. And now my Giftmas Shopping for Da Man is complete. It is safe to write about this in here - he never reads my journal.

We've been home a few hours. I NEED to get started on finishing my heraldic work for the month but oh is my mind sluggish. The will is laggard too. Perhaps a cup of strong tea sweetened with a tablespoon of sugar will generate some energy. Once I get rolling it should be easy to keep the momentum. But oh is it hard to get myself going. Tomorrow's deadline looms high.

Everyone has seasonal decorations that carry a story. Our families know them - or do they? Do your friends? Share...

( Here's one of mine )

Or this one (I guess it depends upon your mood)