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I'm not broken because I don't hug...
Apr. 25th, 2009 03:45 am... I don't hug because I'm broken.*
Recently "hugs" have been high on my radar. The subject has come up amoung my friends and in my daily interactions. Pointed remarks have been made about "we have to force you to hug us" with overtones of "there's something so wrong with you, you cold person". Guilt has been flung in my direction for 'denying a hug' to a friend or acquaintance. In front of me, discussions have arisen about how they will 'just have to teach her better'. Those were apparently bonding moments for them. They were moments of shame and anger for me.
I am comfortable casually hugging a very, very small pool of people. My husband and sons, Treestone, Gaffer, Ro, Kevin of Thornbury, Mungoe, Nick, Kiri, and, and... um.... I think that's it. Anyone else, no matter how close and I'd have to do an internal comfort-check before I could do it.**
I grew up in a world where public shows of affection were reserved for family. Blood-kin. And they were rare even then. We showed our affection and love for each other and others with our smiles, our eyes, a soft touch on a hand or arm, a tone of voice - no more than that. It is the language I am comfortable with. We respected the personal space of our friends and it was a special and rare instance when an offer would come to be welcomed into that space for a hug. Physical contact is very, very intimate in my world even when it is non-sexual. When you speak a language where a shrug, a special smile, a fingertip on the back of one's hand is significant, a hug has far more consequence than it does in the world of "lay one on me, baby!"
I have am having issues with personal space right now, more than ever before in my life so the subject is especially difficult for me. Force me to hug you and you may walk away feeling like you've conquered something (I guess) but I will be struggling with emotions you never meant to invoke. And those emotions may spiral and deepen throughout the hours until I will be sitting up late at night in an emotional windsotrm, hearing my grandfather's voice saying, "You're just so beautiful I can't help touching you." Boy's and men's voices echoing, "but your body was made for pleasure, I can't help it. You have to let me. It doesn't really hurt, it can't, you were made for this!" An ex-husband saying,"but you're my wife, how dare you not let me touch you any way I want to, whenever I want to - I love you! How can you spit on my love by denying me right now?" ***
The lesson, "Your body is not your own." will reverberate for days.
I'm not the only person with a reserved upbringing or even with those internal voices in your social circle. There are likely more of us than you are aware. The next time you open your arms for a good ole hug from a friend, think about the person you are approaching and be ready to acknowledge their right to decline without making them feel like they are sub-human and defective, cold and unnatural. It may not be they way they express their caring for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Or them. Look for the 'I treasure you" sparkle in their eyes or the smile on their face. Learn their language and give them the opportunity to choose to speak yours.
And for God's sake, if you know they are a survivor of abuse - back the fuck off of them if they can't hug you the way you want. It's not that they don't love you. It's that your demand to be in their personal space and handle their body is causing them emotional pain by triggering a cascade of feelings they cannot control easily.**** It may be a little thing to you but I can assure you that it is a big and bitter thing to many more people than you'd expect.
---- -------- ----------
*And that statement shouldn't be true - NO ONE should have to chose between surrendering control of their personal self or hurting the feelings of others. A hug, like a kiss or shared seat, is a gift - not a right.
**Part of the shortness of the list may be due to the fact that some of my favorite people aren't huggers or are sensitive enough to not push it so it hasn't come up.
***Yeah, Yeah, I'm not beautiful now and ain't no-one gonna say that to me any more. I know that. Every ask yourself why I grew that protective layer of fat? And those same old voices are making it danged hard for me to shed it now that I'm old enough to not be on anyone's 'sexy baby' radar!
**** If they hug you against their will, they are surrendering control over their bodies to another (you), ceeding authority over the one possession they should be able to have control of at any time. If they don't, they are hurting the feelings of the people they care about in order to maintain that control = 'being selfish'. They are stuck with a negative outcome no matter what. They must instantly chose between their sense of personal integrity and your pain/scorn. Your demand, your expectation, is triggering their fight/flight/freeze response. You may notice this if you pay attention to their body language. Not everyone forces themselves to be public in the way that I am with this post so the signs may be very subtle - few folks want their friends to know that their customary 'bonding ritual' is uncomfortable to them. We teach our children that it is okay to say, 'no' but we rarely extend the same basic right to our friends.
Recently "hugs" have been high on my radar. The subject has come up amoung my friends and in my daily interactions. Pointed remarks have been made about "we have to force you to hug us" with overtones of "there's something so wrong with you, you cold person". Guilt has been flung in my direction for 'denying a hug' to a friend or acquaintance. In front of me, discussions have arisen about how they will 'just have to teach her better'. Those were apparently bonding moments for them. They were moments of shame and anger for me.
I am comfortable casually hugging a very, very small pool of people. My husband and sons, Treestone, Gaffer, Ro, Kevin of Thornbury, Mungoe, Nick, Kiri, and, and... um.... I think that's it. Anyone else, no matter how close and I'd have to do an internal comfort-check before I could do it.**
I grew up in a world where public shows of affection were reserved for family. Blood-kin. And they were rare even then. We showed our affection and love for each other and others with our smiles, our eyes, a soft touch on a hand or arm, a tone of voice - no more than that. It is the language I am comfortable with. We respected the personal space of our friends and it was a special and rare instance when an offer would come to be welcomed into that space for a hug. Physical contact is very, very intimate in my world even when it is non-sexual. When you speak a language where a shrug, a special smile, a fingertip on the back of one's hand is significant, a hug has far more consequence than it does in the world of "lay one on me, baby!"
I have am having issues with personal space right now, more than ever before in my life so the subject is especially difficult for me. Force me to hug you and you may walk away feeling like you've conquered something (I guess) but I will be struggling with emotions you never meant to invoke. And those emotions may spiral and deepen throughout the hours until I will be sitting up late at night in an emotional windsotrm, hearing my grandfather's voice saying, "You're just so beautiful I can't help touching you." Boy's and men's voices echoing, "but your body was made for pleasure, I can't help it. You have to let me. It doesn't really hurt, it can't, you were made for this!" An ex-husband saying,"but you're my wife, how dare you not let me touch you any way I want to, whenever I want to - I love you! How can you spit on my love by denying me right now?" ***
The lesson, "Your body is not your own." will reverberate for days.
I'm not the only person with a reserved upbringing or even with those internal voices in your social circle. There are likely more of us than you are aware. The next time you open your arms for a good ole hug from a friend, think about the person you are approaching and be ready to acknowledge their right to decline without making them feel like they are sub-human and defective, cold and unnatural. It may not be they way they express their caring for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Or them. Look for the 'I treasure you" sparkle in their eyes or the smile on their face. Learn their language and give them the opportunity to choose to speak yours.
And for God's sake, if you know they are a survivor of abuse - back the fuck off of them if they can't hug you the way you want. It's not that they don't love you. It's that your demand to be in their personal space and handle their body is causing them emotional pain by triggering a cascade of feelings they cannot control easily.**** It may be a little thing to you but I can assure you that it is a big and bitter thing to many more people than you'd expect.
---- -------- ----------
*And that statement shouldn't be true - NO ONE should have to chose between surrendering control of their personal self or hurting the feelings of others. A hug, like a kiss or shared seat, is a gift - not a right.
**Part of the shortness of the list may be due to the fact that some of my favorite people aren't huggers or are sensitive enough to not push it so it hasn't come up.
***Yeah, Yeah, I'm not beautiful now and ain't no-one gonna say that to me any more. I know that. Every ask yourself why I grew that protective layer of fat? And those same old voices are making it danged hard for me to shed it now that I'm old enough to not be on anyone's 'sexy baby' radar!
**** If they hug you against their will, they are surrendering control over their bodies to another (you), ceeding authority over the one possession they should be able to have control of at any time. If they don't, they are hurting the feelings of the people they care about in order to maintain that control = 'being selfish'. They are stuck with a negative outcome no matter what. They must instantly chose between their sense of personal integrity and your pain/scorn. Your demand, your expectation, is triggering their fight/flight/freeze response. You may notice this if you pay attention to their body language. Not everyone forces themselves to be public in the way that I am with this post so the signs may be very subtle - few folks want their friends to know that their customary 'bonding ritual' is uncomfortable to them. We teach our children that it is okay to say, 'no' but we rarely extend the same basic right to our friends.
