(no subject)
Dec. 25th, 2010 12:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stitchwhich I try to put a good face on it and call it "Giftmas" so it doesn't matter that it is postponed by a month or so every year, but I hate, hate, hate sitting here, alone without my family, in a house that has half-decorations up, waiting and waiting to hear when I'll get to 'really' celebrate the day. This year, I still don't know when we'll be doing that. I'm waiting on news from one child who keeps telling me he'll find out as soon as he can... yadda, yadda, yadda
I guess getting older means that it's okay for your family to put you on hold and celebrate their own lives. I should adapt to it and stop holding as special something that seems to only have meaning for me.
I want my decorations up on the Feast of St. Nicholas. I want to look forward to my sons gathering in the living room with their father and I. I want a warm kitchen and the clank of dishes being washed to make room for the food being cooked. I want to sing Peter, Paul & Mary songs, or the soundtrack from Jesus Christ Superstar while we all are busy, and mock-fight over who gets to sing the 'good' parts, and then sit down to a real meal.
I want the past.
I need to come to peace with time passing and put that past away, and create something special just for the two of us. I need to find a way to take what traditions we've created and divvy them out to the times when they will work, instead of when we used to do it. I need to be the grown-up and say, "I'm not doing that this year." I need to create a new tradition for me (I don't know if it means much to Bossman) so that I don't spend Christmas day trying to forget what day it is and comforting myself with thoughts of whatever may come a few weeks later, if the boys remember, and if they can motivate themselves into being interested. I need to be less resentful about sitting alone, on hold, while my grown-up sons are celebrating the day with their friends (and them going on to work, or not, depending on what they planned). Being an after-thought is supposed to happen as your children become adults. My head knows that. My heart needs to catch up.
Yup. I'm wallowing in a tub of self-pity. And it isn't even my holiday! Don't worry, I'll have a good cry and then it will be past. I just realised how much I've grown to dread this day and it's finally (about time!) come clear to me that the only person who can make it better is the one who is disturbed by it... this is the absolutely last year I spend mourning rather than celebrating.
I guess getting older means that it's okay for your family to put you on hold and celebrate their own lives. I should adapt to it and stop holding as special something that seems to only have meaning for me.
I want my decorations up on the Feast of St. Nicholas. I want to look forward to my sons gathering in the living room with their father and I. I want a warm kitchen and the clank of dishes being washed to make room for the food being cooked. I want to sing Peter, Paul & Mary songs, or the soundtrack from Jesus Christ Superstar while we all are busy, and mock-fight over who gets to sing the 'good' parts, and then sit down to a real meal.
I want the past.
I need to come to peace with time passing and put that past away, and create something special just for the two of us. I need to find a way to take what traditions we've created and divvy them out to the times when they will work, instead of when we used to do it. I need to be the grown-up and say, "I'm not doing that this year." I need to create a new tradition for me (I don't know if it means much to Bossman) so that I don't spend Christmas day trying to forget what day it is and comforting myself with thoughts of whatever may come a few weeks later, if the boys remember, and if they can motivate themselves into being interested. I need to be less resentful about sitting alone, on hold, while my grown-up sons are celebrating the day with their friends (and them going on to work, or not, depending on what they planned). Being an after-thought is supposed to happen as your children become adults. My head knows that. My heart needs to catch up.
Yup. I'm wallowing in a tub of self-pity. And it isn't even my holiday! Don't worry, I'll have a good cry and then it will be past. I just realised how much I've grown to dread this day and it's finally (about time!) come clear to me that the only person who can make it better is the one who is disturbed by it... this is the absolutely last year I spend mourning rather than celebrating.
