(no subject)
Jan. 11th, 2022 11:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stitchwhichRecently I posted one of those memes that circle around Facebook, "What is my SCA super power?". I knew that folks who didn't care for me wouldn't answer it (or were unlikely to) but a surprising selection of current and far-away friends did with kind responses and then one person replied with this,
"Without cursing or raising your voice, you can make someone feel really bad for fucking up.
Also your arts and crafts ability are God-tier."
And doncha know it, that is the only answer sticking with me. I know that the danger of posting such a thing is that you may get a negative response but this one - this one winded me. It was from a (recent)ex-protégée who I went to bat for over and over, and worked with a lot in helping her learn social skills (and taught her how to cook medieval and camp foods, to camp SCA-style, to sew, to draft patterns... you know, stuff) and after nearly a decade of association, this is her view of my "super power". That I am good at being mean. Which tells me how much I failed her. And that is what hurts. I failed her.
Logically, I know that is a one-sided view. She has recently gained a lot of self assurance and pride again, and is now married and happily forging her own path, and I'm proud of her. I'm also relieved, because it was difficult to watch her insult people, or misunderstand what they were saying and then react viciously to them, or some of the other things she was prone to do that I now longer am obligated to help her clean up. No more "teaching moments" or conversations. Apparently what I saw as me helping her to see how other people would feel (like, "why it is not a good idea to steal the King's crown during an event and try to understand how this was a giant mistake, and it is natural that TRMs are angry") was me being mean.
Huh. In typing this out I stopped feeling guilty and flipped to relief that isn't my job anymore. Okay then!
"Without cursing or raising your voice, you can make someone feel really bad for fucking up.
Also your arts and crafts ability are God-tier."
And doncha know it, that is the only answer sticking with me. I know that the danger of posting such a thing is that you may get a negative response but this one - this one winded me. It was from a (recent)ex-protégée who I went to bat for over and over, and worked with a lot in helping her learn social skills (and taught her how to cook medieval and camp foods, to camp SCA-style, to sew, to draft patterns... you know, stuff) and after nearly a decade of association, this is her view of my "super power". That I am good at being mean. Which tells me how much I failed her. And that is what hurts. I failed her.
Logically, I know that is a one-sided view. She has recently gained a lot of self assurance and pride again, and is now married and happily forging her own path, and I'm proud of her. I'm also relieved, because it was difficult to watch her insult people, or misunderstand what they were saying and then react viciously to them, or some of the other things she was prone to do that I now longer am obligated to help her clean up. No more "teaching moments" or conversations. Apparently what I saw as me helping her to see how other people would feel (like, "why it is not a good idea to steal the King's crown during an event and try to understand how this was a giant mistake, and it is natural that TRMs are angry") was me being mean.
Huh. In typing this out I stopped feeling guilty and flipped to relief that isn't my job anymore. Okay then!
(no subject)
Date: 2022-01-12 06:33 am (UTC)"Without cursing or raising your voice"
Reads to me as though it could mean something like "I appreciate the fact that no matter how much you may dissaprove of an action, you are always nice and gracious about how you communicate that information, using kind language and a gentle tone; this is in marked contrast to people I know who use both cursing and raised voices to communicate dissaproval. Thank you for showing me this is even possible."
The next bit, "you can make someone feel really bad for fucking up." reads to me as though it could mean "I acknowledge that I didn't always get it right, I regret the problems I have caused for others, and am still processing the feelings caused by your helping me to understand how my actions have effected others. Thank you for helping with this, but it will be some time before I am comfortable living with what I have learned."
And this part: "Also your arts and crafts ability are God-tier" reads to me as though it could mean "and here is the real answer to how I feel about your super powers, now that I have gotten the bit about acknowledging the lessons you taught me off my chest".
My guesses as to intent could be miles off, but remembering my own poor initial reaction to any criticism in my younger days, and my gradually learning to change as a result of it, but my unwillingness to ever admit to myself (or others) that there had been a problem that I am activally working to solve, my reading could be spot on...
(no subject)
Date: 2022-01-12 01:58 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-01-13 02:35 am (UTC)If she has a pattern of insulting people and misunderstanding and then reacting viciously based on that misunderstanding... then I wouldn't put any weight at all on her negative assessment of you or anyone else.
(That said, I did wonder if the "without raising your voice" part meant she was trying to somehow compliment you, though that stuff about making people feel bad feels really, really off.)
Not your job now -- yay!