reflections on the process...

[stitchwhich]

My mind is coming back to me. I can actually feel the ability to think returning as if I'd been drugged and it was clearing out. I don't even know how long I've been feeling unfocused - a little under a week, I'm guessing and it probably corresponds to what folks would describe as the "PMS" period of the menses cycle. I'm mostly writing this in here so I can go back and find it again if I want to measure how long it is between episodes. I vaguely remember another period like this - last September, I think it was. I think. I didn't consider that it might be a symptom of the hormonal changes so didn't mark it.

I've had a week of not being able to concentrate, of slogging through each day avoiding anything that requires a sharp mental state. And yeah - being the troll for an event didn't require that. Thank goodness for training!

This is a process, I know. And that is comforting, the thought that episodes like this week past will grow further and further apart until it just doesn't happen any more. I never experienced PMS during my breeding phase - been fertile since I was nine years old and the pissiness and feather-headedness that I've heard about has never been one of my problems. In the last couple of years, it has and it is distressing beyond measure. As it happened at the onset of puberty, my body has become a stranger to me and I resent it mightily. I'm used to incredible pain during my menses. I'm used to extreme bloodloss. Those are physical symptoms that do not affect, in fact can be ignored by, concentrated thought. To lose that touchstone of refuge - that terrifies me. I've always had my mind to hide in, to comfort myself with in times of fear or stress...I don't know how to cope without it.

May my body roll quickly through this stage of the process, please, Heavenly Mother and Father. I believe that it will, as it did through the earlier stages. But I thought I'd ask for Your help anyway. Because it scares me.