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Mar. 11th, 2011
I am NOT planning on checking out anytime soon. I am, however, coming to terms with the possibility since it is so large in my window.
Someone asked about:
Grandkids: Nope. Neither son is anywhere near marriage or 'serious enough to start a family', although they both would like to 'someday'. I've believed for quite a while that I will only be a story to my grandkids. While they play with my legos. :)
Abuse/Rape center: My PTSD was badly exerbated by my time as a volunteer there. So I took the therapist's advice and resigned.
Does one have to be doing something for others, or making a "substantial difference" for some minimum number of people to be something of worth? No. But my standards for myself say that *I* must. I firmly believe that we are here to learn to strive for personal perfection, and to help further the world... that I am barely doing anything of the sort at this time is a personal failure. Other people don't share the same belief - I don't expect them to view things the same way and have the same drive.
-----
On the whole, while I have experienced things that I would never wish on anyone, innocent or not, my life has been full of joy. My husband and my sons, my partners through the years, the people I have loved - there are far more smiles in my past than tears. Whether or not my next go-around will feature the same sort of challenges as this one, well... I don't know. How could I? Those challenges made me into who I am and for the most part, I am not ashamed of me. I would like a little more time to polish up the 'me' and file off some rough spots. There's still so much to learn.
I fully expect that once we have an idea of what kind of treatment regime I'll be on, I will be looking for some way to be useful again. I hate to say it, but my enjoyment of serving in the SCA has dimmed, and I am quite willing to let the young start doing all the hard work while I watch and applaud. And lend a hand, off and on. But while it is satisfying to help my friends learn and have fun, I have a need to do something that benefits others in the greater community.
Someone asked about:
Grandkids: Nope. Neither son is anywhere near marriage or 'serious enough to start a family', although they both would like to 'someday'. I've believed for quite a while that I will only be a story to my grandkids. While they play with my legos. :)
Abuse/Rape center: My PTSD was badly exerbated by my time as a volunteer there. So I took the therapist's advice and resigned.
Does one have to be doing something for others, or making a "substantial difference" for some minimum number of people to be something of worth? No. But my standards for myself say that *I* must. I firmly believe that we are here to learn to strive for personal perfection, and to help further the world... that I am barely doing anything of the sort at this time is a personal failure. Other people don't share the same belief - I don't expect them to view things the same way and have the same drive.
-----
On the whole, while I have experienced things that I would never wish on anyone, innocent or not, my life has been full of joy. My husband and my sons, my partners through the years, the people I have loved - there are far more smiles in my past than tears. Whether or not my next go-around will feature the same sort of challenges as this one, well... I don't know. How could I? Those challenges made me into who I am and for the most part, I am not ashamed of me. I would like a little more time to polish up the 'me' and file off some rough spots. There's still so much to learn.
I fully expect that once we have an idea of what kind of treatment regime I'll be on, I will be looking for some way to be useful again. I hate to say it, but my enjoyment of serving in the SCA has dimmed, and I am quite willing to let the young start doing all the hard work while I watch and applaud. And lend a hand, off and on. But while it is satisfying to help my friends learn and have fun, I have a need to do something that benefits others in the greater community.