That internal dialogue
Mar. 26th, 2009 03:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stitchwhich[This is a self-awareness post. It is not a cry for affirmation - y'all have given me plenty of that. But I need to write this, and own it, make it solid so I can force myself to step up and change. And I thought, if you are a parent, you might appreciate the warning inherent in this entry. Although I can't think of a single person on my friend's list who would need it.]
I just got back from my session with my therapist. She gave me a feel-good moment when we talked about kids and allowances/no allowances. Then came the hard stuff... core values. That internal knowledge of self from which our actions and our emotions arise. This was in the way of discussing "resources", those things, external or internal, that make us feel good and are our touchstones for positive self image.
What we found was that I don't actually have very many positive core values. Actually, it is difficult for me to think of any - I shy away from 'patting myself on the back." Some of you may have already known this but I bet you didn't think I'd ever own it. Well, the time has come - if I want to heal, I've got to give myself permission to feel good about myself. It's not as easy as you might think. Here's an example of my internal dialogue.
I can help people in all sorts of ways.
Yeah? Like you helped _____ and _____ with making them feel bad because of your comments/facial expressions? Like the way you talk too much at meetings and put yourself forward so others can't? Like the way you talk about your husband, your kids? Oh, yeah, that helps people. Remember when you babysat for that couple who were dealing with cancer - how he said, "Terri just needs to be needed, if it wasn't us she was helping, she'd be out trolling for someone else to get her fix from." You know he was right. You're just a broken person looking for validation from others because you can fool them into thinking you deserve it.
I teach people stuff and that helps them.
When was the last time you taught anything? Resting on your laurels, there Lazy Ass?
I volunteer for stuff and that helps.
That would be why your house is dirty and your husband rarely has a home-cooked meal. You're busy grabbing glory while everyone else cleans up behind you. HOw many overdue projects do you have sitting around the house?
I'm a good friend.
You hide from phone calls and you know it. You're a friend on your own time. Besides, your only value is in how you support others. It's no wonder that you aren't worth much given your failure there.
And so on... Intellectually, I know that I am a good person. And certainly folks have been wonderful about telling me so - but believing them is nearly impossible. Their voices are not as strong as the conditioning I had early in my life. I've sidled away from using things like 'personal affirmations' and such, while recognising that they are good tools for people I am at the same time steadfastly sure that they are silly, vastly inappropriate even, for me. My core values say, "Don't put yourself forward. Don't get conceited. Stop bragging on yourself, you vain bitch! The only good in you is what you give to others and it will never be enough because you Aren't. Good. Enough."
It is going to be very, very hard for me to overcome that early training, tune out those voices, and try to believe in myself. I have hope that the overbearing behaviour I sometimes show will fade as I stop over-compensating for my self-contempt. I have hope that I can teach myself what I tried to teach my children - to trust myself. I can do it in small doses. The hard part is incorperating that into the greater picture of myself without feeling guilty or ashamed of it. It is going to take time. It is going to involve tears. It is going to, at the beginning, invoke further self-doubt as all of my internal training marshals itself against the emotional shake-up this will engender.
Be careful what you teach your children about themselves - because it stays with them for their whole life.
I just got back from my session with my therapist. She gave me a feel-good moment when we talked about kids and allowances/no allowances. Then came the hard stuff... core values. That internal knowledge of self from which our actions and our emotions arise. This was in the way of discussing "resources", those things, external or internal, that make us feel good and are our touchstones for positive self image.
What we found was that I don't actually have very many positive core values. Actually, it is difficult for me to think of any - I shy away from 'patting myself on the back." Some of you may have already known this but I bet you didn't think I'd ever own it. Well, the time has come - if I want to heal, I've got to give myself permission to feel good about myself. It's not as easy as you might think. Here's an example of my internal dialogue.
I can help people in all sorts of ways.
Yeah? Like you helped _____ and _____ with making them feel bad because of your comments/facial expressions? Like the way you talk too much at meetings and put yourself forward so others can't? Like the way you talk about your husband, your kids? Oh, yeah, that helps people. Remember when you babysat for that couple who were dealing with cancer - how he said, "Terri just needs to be needed, if it wasn't us she was helping, she'd be out trolling for someone else to get her fix from." You know he was right. You're just a broken person looking for validation from others because you can fool them into thinking you deserve it.
I teach people stuff and that helps them.
When was the last time you taught anything? Resting on your laurels, there Lazy Ass?
I volunteer for stuff and that helps.
That would be why your house is dirty and your husband rarely has a home-cooked meal. You're busy grabbing glory while everyone else cleans up behind you. HOw many overdue projects do you have sitting around the house?
I'm a good friend.
You hide from phone calls and you know it. You're a friend on your own time. Besides, your only value is in how you support others. It's no wonder that you aren't worth much given your failure there.
And so on... Intellectually, I know that I am a good person. And certainly folks have been wonderful about telling me so - but believing them is nearly impossible. Their voices are not as strong as the conditioning I had early in my life. I've sidled away from using things like 'personal affirmations' and such, while recognising that they are good tools for people I am at the same time steadfastly sure that they are silly, vastly inappropriate even, for me. My core values say, "Don't put yourself forward. Don't get conceited. Stop bragging on yourself, you vain bitch! The only good in you is what you give to others and it will never be enough because you Aren't. Good. Enough."
It is going to be very, very hard for me to overcome that early training, tune out those voices, and try to believe in myself. I have hope that the overbearing behaviour I sometimes show will fade as I stop over-compensating for my self-contempt. I have hope that I can teach myself what I tried to teach my children - to trust myself. I can do it in small doses. The hard part is incorperating that into the greater picture of myself without feeling guilty or ashamed of it. It is going to take time. It is going to involve tears. It is going to, at the beginning, invoke further self-doubt as all of my internal training marshals itself against the emotional shake-up this will engender.
Be careful what you teach your children about themselves - because it stays with them for their whole life.
