Whiney post zoom by quickly
Jun. 4th, 2011 01:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stitchwhichI spent all of yesterday, just about, and all of today, in bed or in a chair in the living room. The medicine I'm taking just makes me sick. It induces what feels like a perpetual case of food poisoning, in varying degrees of yuk. Every day there is a hand's down guarentee that I will spend three to four hours after taking it either puking or wishing I could. Along with those other 'food poisoning' symptoms. We should buy stock in Charmin.
So today, when I finally dragged myself out of bed at 6:30 in the evening, too late to help with the set up for tomorrow's event, I decided that, by the Gods, I am NOT taking my Gleevec tomorrow morning. Yes, I am purposely skipping my cancer meds. No, you can't bully me into changing my mind. I'll pick it back up on Sunday, and pay the price (doubled intestinal distress) for the skip, but I want to have one day when I don't have to say, "I'm sorry, I can't do that", "I'm sorry, no, I can't walk down there with you", "I'm sorry, I can't leave my chair", "I'm sorry that we came late and I'll have to drag ArnBiorn away early again".
This constant drain is making me short tempered and thin skinned. They say we adapt, over time. They also say that the effects increase the longer we take the stuff. My private thought is that by the time the effects are so bad that we'd rather just let the cancer take us instead of ever swallowing another pill, our personalities will be so sour that our loved ones will be relieved to see us go.
Or at least, I'm gonna comfort myself with that.
And - I need 'flappers'. You know, guards who will keep the well-intentioned from coming up to me and then try to pressure me into doing what I can't do, using guilt to try to push me around, until I'm either ready to cry or to lie to get them to leave me be and let me try to salvage what is left of my good mood (self respect/patience, whatever). Because really - if I have to repeat, "I'm sorry, I can't do that" over and over again, towards the end I will really mean, "Please don't keep pushing on this - or were you just getting a thrill out of rubbing my limitations in my face and you wanted to see if you could remind me, again, that I'm ill?"
So today, when I finally dragged myself out of bed at 6:30 in the evening, too late to help with the set up for tomorrow's event, I decided that, by the Gods, I am NOT taking my Gleevec tomorrow morning. Yes, I am purposely skipping my cancer meds. No, you can't bully me into changing my mind. I'll pick it back up on Sunday, and pay the price (doubled intestinal distress) for the skip, but I want to have one day when I don't have to say, "I'm sorry, I can't do that", "I'm sorry, no, I can't walk down there with you", "I'm sorry, I can't leave my chair", "I'm sorry that we came late and I'll have to drag ArnBiorn away early again".
This constant drain is making me short tempered and thin skinned. They say we adapt, over time. They also say that the effects increase the longer we take the stuff. My private thought is that by the time the effects are so bad that we'd rather just let the cancer take us instead of ever swallowing another pill, our personalities will be so sour that our loved ones will be relieved to see us go.
Or at least, I'm gonna comfort myself with that.
And - I need 'flappers'. You know, guards who will keep the well-intentioned from coming up to me and then try to pressure me into doing what I can't do, using guilt to try to push me around, until I'm either ready to cry or to lie to get them to leave me be and let me try to salvage what is left of my good mood (self respect/patience, whatever). Because really - if I have to repeat, "I'm sorry, I can't do that" over and over again, towards the end I will really mean, "Please don't keep pushing on this - or were you just getting a thrill out of rubbing my limitations in my face and you wanted to see if you could remind me, again, that I'm ill?"
